Washington, DC – Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
‘Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,’ said California Senator Barbara Boxer. ‘We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.’
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement ‘warehouse’ stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million ‘middle man’ positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, ‘Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?’
‘As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,’ said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. ‘This new law should be real good for people like me,’ Gertz added.
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL): ‘As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.’
Tags: Humor
Wow! What a talent for dickish frat-boy humor you have. If there’s anything this world needs more of it’s snobs who feel that their resentment of those who can’t afford (or don’t want) to join the lofty Knowledge Economy club is valuable in of itself. Kudos to you. You can never have too many pricks at a cocktail party. Look out above!
The ability to laugh at ourselves is underdeveloped in some.
Public D: perhaps you miss a perspective worthy of some thought; consider what could be implied in this site’s author’s entry: the problem with America is that we have, in general as a society, grown fat and lazy with complacency and expect entitlements to be served to what we believe are our deserving mouths. The majority of Americans expect someone to provide for them, to save them from having been victimized by some evil, corrupt beings/entities that took advantage of them by offering them deals that sounded too good to be true without any cost or risk. How did we become this way? I blame the entitlements and lack of sense of personal responsibility. The mentality is warped. How did it become that people are not expected to use their minds to think? That they should not know what they do? They should not be expected to understand the concept of responsibility. They should not be expected to realize that it’s not a good idea to profligately spend money which they did not earn. Those who opted not to accept risks associated with flexible arms were silly, because heck, they should have known a governmental program like Hope Now would be created to save them from foreclosure.
Because everyone has a given right to own a home and to buy lots o lots of things beyond one’s means. Silly savers for being responsible for their decisions and actions. For those who worked hard all their lives and saved responsibly, they must now work harder for those who cannot pay their bills. For someone who grew up quite poor and who has worked myself tired my whole life, I resent that I must toil even harder and pay even more taxes in order to save someone else from being foreclosed on – that same person who bought a boat on home equity loans or flex arm mortgages that they had no right to buy, who bellied up to the trough to consume like a fat, lazy pig. Yes, I SHOULD work and pay for those people. That this resembles a communist philosophy sickens me to no end.