Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

Truthout

Monday, August 15th, 2011

– I like what Truthout is about.  Sometimes, they deluge me with so much stuff I just have to step away for a bit but I always find what they’ve got to say interesting and closely aligned to my own view of the world.

– This morning, I made a donation to their organization because they sent me a message summarizing what they are about and what the big issues are, globally, and I found I really resonated with what they had to say.

– Below , is the text of their  message:

– dennis

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We’re deep in the battle over the fate of the United States. Will we solidify our government as a plutocracy – a late-stage empire that can serve only the interests of the super-rich? Will we continue to pursue policies around the globe that destroy the environment in pursuit of profits? Or will we retrench, and work to heal our bleeding political system before it’s too late?

The rest of the world is rising up against the cult of unrestrained free-market capitalism and money-power. From Tunisia to Egypt to Spain to Portugal to France to Germany to Greece to Israel to Chile to the UK, anti-austerity movements are on the rise, and the fight is playing out in chaotic, unpredictable and often tragic ways.

Everyone is asking why such a revolt isn’t happening here in the US.

One answer is simple – the US has invested billions of dollars in institutions that promote and protect consumerism-as-culture, both here and abroad. But activists around the country – whose hopes for change were dismantled over the past three years – are reuniting. The fight is coming here; it’s just a matter of time.

Our country is the epicenter of backwards, self-destructive, consumption-driven thinking. But it’s also the birthplace of amazing transformative struggles that have changed the world. Which side are you on?

– If you want to donate…

Thousands plan to leave Christchurch – poll

Tuesday, July 5th, 2011

– Even though the Japanese earthquake, tsunami and atomic plant events have grabbed the world’s attention, the things that have been going on down here in New Zealand to Christchurch are still huge to this nation and people.

– dennis

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More than half of the voters in a Stuff-Press online poll say they are planning on leaving Christchurch – or would if they weren’t tied to the city by their properties or jobs.

Forty thousand people voted on the unscientific poll and 64 per cent said they wanted to leave the city or didn’t know what to do.

Christchurch has been shaken by three severe quakes since September and many people have packed up and left.

Twenty-one per cent of the people who responded to the poll said they planned to leave the city and 26 per cent said they would if it was not for their properties or jobs.

Another 3.5 per cent said they were prepared to walk away from their houses.

The poll asked whether people were planning to leave Christchurch, if they would if it wasn’t for their properties or jobs, whether they plan to stay in the city and if they are unsure of what to do.

Thirty-six per cent said they did not want to leave and just over 13 per cent said they did not know what to do.

Clinical psychologist Corina Grennell said people should leave if they felt it was their best option, but she questioned whether there was anywhere in the world that was safe.

Her house was on a tilt and a large crack ran underneath it. The Grennell family was determined to stay, but wanted to move to another suburb.

Pam and James Kelly moved to New Zealand six years ago to give their family a better life, but the quakes had taken their toll on the family of four, forcing them to return to Scotland.

The Kellys’ story mirrors thousands throughout the city, where people have decided enough is enough, packed up their belongings and left for more stable ground.

May recorded the largest exodus to Australia in one month since 1979 and that was partly attributed to Christchurch residents fleeing the city after the February earthquake.

Christchurch Mayor Bob Parker said he was not worried about an exodus.

“The vast majority of people in this city love it,” he said.

“We know we will get through this stage. We will rebuild our communities. Some may not be in the same places though.”

– to the original…

A real life experience with Socialized Medicine

Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

– One of my favorite themes to write about is the U.S. medical system vs. the socialized medical systems in use in many of the western democracies.

– In the last few days, I’ve had a personal and very real experience of how Socialized Medicine works here in New Zealand.

– I had a heart attack.

The suspect

The suspect

The Event

– Last Thursday, I rode my bicycle into work.   I’m not sure how far it is but I’m a fit and  fast rider and it takes me 20+ minutes to make the journey through the city.  When I finished work Thursday, I decided to see how quickly I could make the journey home so I rode hard all the way and arrived home in 15 minutes – a little out of breath but feeling fine.

– 20 minutes later, as I was sitting and talking to Colette as she prepared the evening meal, I began to feel quite odd.  My upper spine, neck and jaw began to ache and I began to feel a bit queasy.   I told her about this  and went and lay down on the sofa to see if it would pass off.   After a few minutes, it seemed like it was getting better so I got up and we ate the meal she’d prepared.   But, as we got to the end of the meal, I began to feel poorly again and went and lay down on the sofa a second time.   The symptoms were the same with the spine and the neck and jaws but getting stronger.

– After a few minutes, it came to an intensity where I thought, “I need to go into a medical center and see what this is all about.“, and I asked Colette to take me in.

– At this point, thinking back we should have called an ambulance, but I wasn’t thinking heart attack yet.  I was just thinking that I was having some sort of weird event and should go find out what it was.   It was around 6.15 PM when we took off.

– A 20 minute drive took us across the city to the 24 hour Emergency Clinic on Bealey Avenue.

–  The medical authorities here in New Zealand prefer that most folks report to either their own doctor or the 24 Hour Clinic first, rather than going straight into the Public Hospital’s Emergency Room.   But, just as in the U.S., many folks will take their kids with sniffles straight into the main hospital’s emergency room because it is free, rather than taking them into the 24 Hour Clinic,  where there’s a charge to be paid.

– There are some very different pricing structures here in New Zealand for medical care compared to the U.S. but we’ll look into the details of all of that later.

– When I entered the clinic, just above the check-in desk was a sign that said, “If you are experiencing chest pain, please let the desk staff know and you will be seen immediately”.   I did this and I was taken into a treatment room right away and was seen by a nurse who asked me a series of questions.   In less than 10 minutes, a doctor was looking at me and an ECG was taken.   It showed some abnormal descending strokes in the graph that are, apparently, indicative of a possible heart attack.  The doctor decided that my symptoms and assessment results were serious enough to admit me to the hospital, and an ambulance was called to transport me.

– Meanwhile, the pain I’d been experiencing had moved from the jaw and upper spine to the more classic just-to-the-left of center chest.   I never experienced the pain radiating down the left arm that I’ve heard is also a classic symptom of heart attack.   But, by now I was beginning to believe that what  I was experiencing was, indeed, a heart attack.

– And that was an amazing thought.   I’ve always been fit, ate healthily and am a bit of an exercise aficionado.  And, here in New Zealand, over the last year and a half, I’d lost a fair bit of weight (205  to 187 lb) which I didn’t think was too bad for a 5′ 11″ 63 year old male.

– But, be that as it may, the signs were getting stronger that I was having a heart attack as I lay there waiting for an ambulance to come.   My pain was increasing and they gave me a morphine shot and  I believe they also gave me something to prevent my blood from clotting.    In five minutes, the pain was completely gone due to the shot.  If I hadn’t experienced all that had gone before, it would have been hard to believe that anything was wrong with me.   But, then the ambulance arrived to carry us to the hospital and it dispelled that notion.

– At every step, everyone was relaxed and yet entirely professional.   I never felt like a number or like an object being shuffled through the ‘system’.   Eye contact and human warmth were evident in each person I encountered along the way.

– Once at the hospital, I was wheeled directly into the emergency room and my chart from the 24 hour clinic was scrutinized and I was asked many questions – many of them repeats of earlier ones.   Blood that had been drawn at the 24 hour clinic was sent with me in the ambulance. It was explained to me that by analyzing this blood, they would look for enzymes that would  indicate if my heart muscle had sustained damage.

– If they didn’t find the enzymes, then I would be scheduled for treadmill tests to see what was wrong with me.

– But, if enzymes were found, then it would strongly indicate that I’d had a heart attack and I would be scheduled for an angiogram.   An angiogram is an X-ray test that uses a special dye and camera  to take pictures of the blood flow in an artery (such as those associated with the heart).   Regardless of what the blood tests revealed, they were going to keep me for the night.  A chest X-Ray was done and then I was taken to my room in Ward 12 (the coronary care unit).   Four of the six beds were occupied when I arrived about 10.00 PM.

– I never felt any pain after the morphine shot and that evening in the ward was mellow.  I read a book on my iPad and went to sleep about 11 PM.

Ward 12 - Cardiology

Ward 12 - Cardiology

– The next morning, the blood test results came back.  I’d definitely had a heart attack and there was an angiogram session in my future.   But, now it got problematic as I’d checked in Thursday evening and Friday’s slots in the Cath Lab (where the angiograms are done) were booked up for the day.   It was looking like I might be there for Friday and the weekend before I could get a slot in the Cath Lab.    I was a bit anxious about that; imagining sitting in the bed or walking the ward for all those hours.

Home - Thursday and Friday night

Home - Thursday and Friday night

– Colette came in and kept me company.  And then, in a stroke of luck, a spot opened up in the Cath Lab which they told me about around mid-day.   Yippie!

– True enough!   And by 4 PM, I was back out again from the angiogram procedure to find Colette (who’d gone home) back waiting for me in my room.

– The angiogram procedure was relatively painless and I was awake the entire time.   A small entrance to an artery in my right wrist was opened for access to my arterial system.  I lay on my back with multiple large computer screens to my left and the doctors to my right. Directly over my chest was a computer-controlled movable X-Ray unit that was shifted around to view the heart from several directions.  I was warned that there would be times when I’d have to turn my head, lest it take off my nose when it rotated.

– My right wrist ached as they worked on it, but not badly.   They threaded a very long, thin catheter up my wrist artery and all they way through into the heart’s arteries.

– I watched what they were doing on the computer screens but, truthfully, I had no idea what I was seeing, though I watched with careful fascination.  When the catheter reached my heart, they entered it into each set of arteries  and injected an Iodine-based dye that showed the outline of the arteries on the computer screens via the X-Ray imaging.

Note the constriction

Note the constriction

– I found out later that all my coronary arteries were in fairly good shape.  They were open with fairly good flow, except the one that had caused the problem.  And on that one, right at the junction of two arteries, it was badly constricted.   See the image to the left where the arrow is pointing.   Cardiologists use three levels to describe how badly closed an artery is;  they say 50%, 75% or 99%.   They said mine was 99%.   This is why the heart muscle, which needs to be fed by these branches, was starving for Oxygen and dying.  And this cell death is why the pain in my heart attack occurred.

– I asked the one of the doctors how these arteries get blocked off.   He said they either do it slowly through the gradual accumulation of  plaque along the walls or they do it suddenly when the harder surface of the inner wall of the artery splits and lets the softer material behind it protrude into the passageway.

– Given all the aerobic exercise I’ve done, I can’t believe this artery had been creeping slowly up to 99% blockage and I’d never noticed.   I think there had to be sudden change at the end wherein a mostly blocked artery suddenly became almost totally blocked.

– They found the blocked area using the angiogram technique and then, once it was identified, they shifted to another technique called angioplasty.  This is the technique of mechanically widening a narrowed or obstructed blood vessel using an empty and collapsed balloon on a guide wire, known as a balloon catheter.   The balloon is passed into the narrowed area and then inflated to a fixed size. The balloon crushes the fatty deposits, opening up the blood vessel for improved flow, and then the balloon is deflated and withdrawn.

Stent in place

Stent in place

– After the area is expanded, a third technique is employed in which a “Stent” is placed in the newly widened area and allowed to expand to hold the arterial walls at that expansion.

– After this, the long, thin catheter is withdrawn and the arterial opening on the wrist is closed and the procedure is complete.

– I was back in my room by 4 PM, as I said, to find Colette waiting for me.

– They kept me Friday night for observation and during the night they checked my wrist and my blood pressure a number of times.   Once again, I slept well.   My wrist ached a bit from the trauma of the artery being opened but I had no other problems.   I knew the stent was there but I couldn’t feel a thing.   In fact, during the procedure itself, when the catheter was snaked all the way from my wrist into the arteries of my heart, I felt nothing.   And, other than a small amount of local in my wrist, I was not anesthetized or sedated.

– Saturday morning came.   7 Am and the room lights came on and breakfast arrived soon afterward.

– Every hour or so, the nurse would come and relieve the pressure slightly on the device that was clamping the wound on my wrist.  Arteries have a lot of pressure on them and to get one to seal and heal is not a trivial thing.  After a number of pressure releases without blood spurting everywhere, it became obvious that it had closed correctly.

– Colette came in again (what a trooper she was through all of this!) and sat with me.   We played some games on my iPad and waited for the cardiology doctor to come and talk with me and discharge me.   Unfortunately, the doctor got tangled in an emergency situation in the morning so it was far into the afternoon before I was discharged.   But, given all that had happened and how well it had all gone, I had no complaints about this.

The Costs

– Now, I want to talk about the costs of all of this.  I.e., what I paid for these procedures here in New Zealand.  These figures are in NZ dollars but you can translate them into US dollars by multiplying the New Zealand prices by .82 – which is roughly the current exchange rate.

Items:

1. Visit to 24 Hour Emergency Clinic – $100

2. Ambulance – $67

3. Hospital Room (2 nights) – $0

4. Angiogram Procedure – $0

5. Angioplasty Procedure – $0

6. Stent Procedure $0

7. Prescriptions for four drugs for three months – $22

– These prices are not exact but they are good ballpark figures and it all comes to about $187 NZD or about $153 USD.

– 19Jun2011 – I’m adjusting this section as the bills arrive.  The 24 hour emergency bill came in and it was $100, not $150.   Still waiting on the ambulance.

– 24Jun2011 – Ambulance bill came.   $67 NZD.  I’d estimated $50 NZD.

– 24Jun2011 – Also go a letter that I have (1) an ultrasound session appointment, (2) a physiotherapy session and (3) a follow on meeting with the doctor that put the stent in.  My expectation is that because these are all part of the public health services, that I will not be charged for any of these.   I’ll update this if that assumption is not true.

– I spent sometime this evening trying to come up with the prices for these procedures (Angiogram, Angioplasty and Stenting) in the US and it was a damn frustrating exercise – try it yourself.

– Try to find public, easily found figures for how much an Angiogram or an Angioplasty will cost you in a US hospital.

– But you’ll realize that there’s BIG money involved here.  Because, when you go searching, you are going to find dozens and dozens of websites trying to sell you these procedures overseas.

– Consider:  that for so many of these websites to be advertising with such competitive intensity, they must be able to still  make a lot of money selling these procedures overseas for much less than they cost in the US – or they would not be in such a competitive advertising frenzy.

– All of this ought to be telling you something about the US medical costs and whether or not they are reasonable and proportional to the services delivered.

Summary

– When you are in the US , you will hear a lot about how wonderful the US medical system is and about how terrible the socialized medical systems in places like France, Canada and New Zealand are.   They’ll tell you that you are very lucky to get the services you get, at the prices you get, in the US.

– It is an amazing pile of bull-droppings, is my opinion.   The sad fact is that the American medical system has very largely been captured by the ‘everything- is-about-profits‘ corporate world and the American people are much the poorer for it.

– If you want to get into a detailed discussion point-by-point comparing the US system with the socialized systems, you will, I’m sure, be able to find a few points here and there in which the US system wins.   But, on balance, the US system compares very badly.

– This has all been a near and dear subject to me over these last years and here’s a link that will take you through many of the things I’ve published previously on this Blog about the probems with US Healthcare and the US Medical System:

Click Here .

– If there’s a really sad bit to this story it is that all of this may have taken an option off the table for me.   I love New Zealand but I always thought that someday, I might return to live out my twilight years in the US.   I have some large doubts about that now.   First, no one there would ever insure me (post heart attack) for anything I could afford – unless I get a lot more affluent than I am now.  And, second, without insurance, I’d never be able to pay the bills if something did happen to me.  And if I owned a house, a business, or some land in the US – whoop – they’d all be gone!

– You know, that’s just not right.

Postscript: A friend, David D. wrote me about my thoughts here and pointed out something that I’d forgotten.  And that is that when I turn 65, I will be eligible for the US’s Medicare System so I may still have US options on the table in terms of medical coverage and that nice.   Thanks, Dave!

– Here in New Zealand, we all pay for healthcare through our taxes and we are all protected by each other’s payments.

– People say that taxes in countries with socialized medical systems are high.   I don’t find them so.   People with good jobs here will pay up to 33% of their wages as taxes.   But, on the other hand, we don’t have to pay for medical insurance, automobile insurance or business liability insurance because a plague of lawyers hasn’t managed to take over the system here.

– People here expect that the system will take care of them if they get cancer or are in an automobile accident and they are incredulous when I tell them how the medical systems works in the US.

– Know that I am well, my friends.   I’ve had a scare but in the big scheme of things, it was a relatively small heart attack.   In three to six weeks, I’ll be resuming my life just as it was in terms of exercise.



Christchurch Earthquakes continuing…

Sunday, June 12th, 2011

– Had a 5.5 today and then an hour later, a 6.0.   Some buildings have come down that were previously damaged and a half dozen or so folks have been hospitalized with moderate injuries.   50,000 are without power for the moment.    Everyone in this beautiful city is wondering when will all this end.

– For me, personally, my apartment is still in limbo.   I can’t live in it, I can’t sell it and I can’t rent it.   Chances are running about 50:50 as to whether they will rebuild it or demolish it.   At the moment, I’m favoring demolition so I can make a new start.

Update: 15 June 2011:  the 5.5 and 6.0 have been upgraded after closer study and they are now judged to have been a 5.7 and a 6.3.   And, they are now saying that these newest one indicate that we still have a 30% chance of another in the 6.0 range.   Another 50 buldings are down from these latest ones.

– Dennis

Personal – 8 May 2011

Saturday, May 7th, 2011

Your author

Your author

I’m back from a month’s trip to the USA from New Zealand. While I was there, I saw many friends and family as I traveled up and down the west coast from Los Angeles to Seattle.

Sharon and I also competed our divorce while I was there and the process was fairly amicable. So, after 20 years of marriage and of being best friends, we’ve ended our legal ties to each other. I sincerely hope we can remain friends as we move onto what lies ahead of both of us now.

Here in New Zealand, the earthquake damage in Christchurch continues to get sorted out. Yesterday, for the first time since the days immediately after the February 22 quake, we were allowed back into my apartment. I was lucky with my unit. I’ve got a lot of large cracks in the drywall (or gib board as they say here in New Zealand) and some broken crockery. But some of the others I looked at are far worse. But, the good news is that they are apparently going to repair the complex rather than demolishing it.

I’m not going to say much else here of a personal nature. If anyone wants to know anything more, drop me a private line.

Cheers!

Blog Status

Friday, April 1st, 2011

Friends, it has been a time of huge change for me.   On February 22nd, the city of Christchurch in New Zealand, where I’ve lived since November of 2009, was devastated by a 6.3 earthquake just under the city.   My apartment was rendered unlivable and my work building was also judged unsafe to enter.

It’s been a trial and a time of new beginnings and endings.

My wife of 20+ years, Sharon, and I decided to complete our divorce action which has been sitting open and uncompleted since July of 2009.  We’d no sooner decided this on February 21st, than the earthquake occurred here the next day and my southern world world was tuned upside down as well.

Tomorrow, I get on a plane and fly back to the US for the first time in nearly 18 months for a month’s visit.   I’ll be seeing friends and family all up and down the US west coast.  And, on April 26th, I’ll be sitting down with Sharon in her lawyer’s office near Seattle to complete the divorce action.

This is not how I ever expected or wanted our marriage to turn out – but, there it is.   Life is nothing, if not change and, endings lead to new beginnings.

So, there’s some grieving for what I’ve lost, both in that marriage and here in the city of Christchurch and there are some new beginnings.

My urge to write and to Blog will return – is returning – and I will start this up again.

My best wishes to all.

Dennis

Loves me like a rock….

Friday, September 17th, 2010

– No, this isn’t about my apparently impending divorce.

– The other day, I came a cross a news story about the influence that motherly love has on us when we are young.   The story impressed me and I felt that it helped explain some of my observations about the people around me; myself included.   My childhood was not an easy one but I think in the very early years, before it all went to custard, my mother did love me with great compassion and care and I think this is why now, even in the worst of circumstances, I find that I have a deep resilience and self-belief.  From the article:

Being lavished with affection by your mum as a young child makes you better able to cope with the stresses and strains of adult life, say researchers.

As these things tend to do, just a day or so later, another article passed me by in my reading and I saw the same issue from yet another perspective.  In this case, the article was saying that our social ties as adults can boost our survival by as much as 50%.

The benefit of friends, family and even colleagues turns out to be just as good for long-term survival as giving up a 15-cigarette-a-day smoking habit. And by the study’s numbers, interpersonal social networks are more crucial to physical health than exercising or beating obesity.

– We are truly social animals as anyone who has tried to lead a solitary life has found out.   We need to be “observed” as Irvin Yalom says in his book, When Nietzsche Wept.

Throughout this procedure, Nietzsche remained deeply attentive: indeed, he nodded appreciatively at each of Breuer’s questions.  No surprise, of course, to Breuer.   He had never encountered a patient who did not secretly enjoy a microscopic examination of his life.  And the greater the power of magnification, the more the patient enjoyed it.  The joy of being observed ran so deep that Breuer believed the real pain of old age, bereavement, outliving one’s friends, was the absence of scrutiny – the horror of living an unobserved life.

The day after the second of these two articles, I was riding the bus to work and looking at all the people I didn’t know walking the street and musing about it all when Paul Simon’s song, “Loves Me Like a Rock” came on the bus’s audio system.

Oh , my mama loves, she loves me
She get down on her knees and hug me
Like she loves me like a rock
She rocks me like the rock of ages
And loves me
She love me, love me, love me, love me

– It bought tears to my eyes as the several pieces came together for me.  The articles, memories of my mother, my need and love for those with whom I am close to, for my sons and my two wives and all the people who have ever touched the quick of my life.

– I don’t often talk about my spiritual and mystical inclinations here, but they are strong.   When I’ve not forgotten myself, they inform my life with the knowledge that all is love, if we are but open to see it.

– Beyond all the war and death and strife and unhappiness lies something I once wrote about in a poem that I’ll close with:

Paused for a moment on the edge of all the future
all our lives will surely tangle or unweave now
and all of these potentials,
like hands on my shoulder, steady me.
So let it begin and all the rest of my life go on
I no longer wait or care for the past to resurrect itself
this life can be invested in my future now
I can weave and sort my friends and lovers into the days of my life
I want to walk out each day excited
about what could happen again
and care nothing for what has gone by
I’ve been too long tangled with the old ways
so carefully unknotting our lives and feelings
learning that exquisite patience that lies half way
between compassion and self preservation
But, its done… let me depart and begin anew
this time not to bury my freedom with love and security
or to hold myself untouched by love’s whip and passion
I want to find that balance point there in my heart, between…
there, where on the edge of my best,
I can live each day like it was the last
I want to dance to life’s mysteries and paradoxes
as the fountains dance to the wind and the mimes to the crowd
these things are not to weep for
and, sometimes … in those graceful but oh so brief moments,
perhaps in a lover’s eyes or in a passage of my son’s growth
I’ll see something behind it all …
timeless … smiling thru at me
Brother Methuselah, here in all of us as we gamble our lives
untouched yet compassionate … he waits for us to begin
and he smiles at us, a spiritual joy and promise within.

– gallagher – July 4th, 1978.

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This one goes out to all my ex-wives…

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

(Some of whom definitely don’t seem to get it)

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”

– Lily Tomlin

‘Let go and let Love’…. why did no-one tell me it’s so simple?

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

– It’s odd how one thing leads you to another.  John Micheal Greer over on The Archdruid Report mentioned in a post, as an aside, that one of his pet peeves was that people frequently misspelled Mathatma Gandhi’s name as Ghandi.

– This lead me to scan this Blog for such misspellings and, indeed, I found and corrected several.

– One of the misspellings was associated with a post I’d made back in February of 2007 referring to a beautiful post over on Life 2.0 entitled,

‘Let go and let Love’…. why did no-one tell me it’s so simple?

– As I made my correction, I began to reread the ‘Let go and let Love…’ post and was deeply captivated again by it.   So much so, that I want to re-post it here in it’s entirety.  It’s a very beautiful and timely piece and I encourage you, if you like it to visit Life 2.0 and explore for more of the same.

= = = = = = = = = = = * * * * * = = = = = = = = = = =

First up, an explanation of sorts.  There’s been a continued ‘enlightenment’ theme to recent posts.  Maybe it’s because I try not to plan what I write that posts here tend to follow a path of their own, I don’t really know.  All I can say is that I have a load of ideas around entrepreneurship, creativity and life hacks that I’d love to share with you too.  But whilst we’re still on this subject, and just so you have a little perspective as to ‘where I’m coming from’, I’ll tell you about my own journey so far:

I guess we all come to the recognition of Truth in our own way and in our own time,  and that’s good.  My way seems very strange though.  I was one of the so called lucky ones – I had my very own ‘burning bush’ experience.. but what I did with that beggars belief.  I very, very subtly (so that I wouldn’t even notice I was doing it) turned and walked away from it.
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The burning bush
Some years ago, after a lifetime of being determined to find out ‘how things really worked’, and having studying  A Course in Miracles for a year or so, I was out walking my Labrador on the hill behind my home.  After I had gotten tired of throwing sticks for Ben I sat down on a stile to watch the world go by for a while, and the dog curled up under my feet. In the next few minutes I came to see my whole life in a completely new light, totally reframed and everything fitting perfectly together – like adding the last few lines to a ‘join the dots’ picture where suddenly you see what it is all about for the very first time.  I thought I had been building businesses, raising my children, trying to be all the things I wanted to be.  I had no idea that totally unbeknown to me, life had had a completely different agenda.

This ‘secret’ agenda had been working through everything I had ever thought, spoken and done, through every so called failure and success and through every traumatic or blissful moment in my life.  I saw so clearly that everything that had happened since the day I popped onto this planet had been orchestrated to bring me to this place where I was now sat and was able to see the perfection and beauty of it all.  It all was suddenly so clear, every single part of my life fitted together faultlessly, with not one piece missing or to spare.  Enlightenment had been going on all the time…. perfectly.

Here’s what I now knew:  After all my efforts to understand, to ‘get it’ and then to walk the path, the path has been walking through me all along.  We had always been the vehicle for enlightenment, we just didn’t see ourselves as doing that, and certainly didn’t see ourselves as being in the driving seat.  There was one beautiful purpose to life and my expression of that had been played perfectly by me all along, and this was true for everyone.  Suddenly all concept of right and wrong and guilt and doubt disappeared completely.  And there was no place for  regrets anymore, only this one vast, all encompassing Love….. and it had only been my desire to find happiness in this life that had blinded me to seeing it was already here.
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Good intentions gone wrong
I knew from that moment on that my life was changed because there could be no forgetting this.  By some form of grace I had glimpsed Reality and all I wanted or needed to do was find a way of helping the rest of the world see the same thing. And that’s where I started to lose the plot again.

The more I tried to explain this, to myself or others, the more distant it seemed to become.  All I wanted do was to help and yet the more I tried, the more this epiphany turned into a distant memory.  What I didn’t see then was that the very act of trying to understand was the act of denial of what I had so clearly seen.  By trying to understand I was separating the one who was trying to understand from that which he was trying to understand.  By attempting to reconcile God and Life and Love and Enlightenment and ‘Who I am’, I was denying that they are all the same thing….. this Oneness that I had been so fortunate to experience.

It’s only when I imagine there is more than one thing, like when I put the little word ‘my’ in front of the word ‘life’, that there arises the concept of an under-stander and an under-stood and then the need to understand.  Oneness can only ever be experiential because it is all inclusive.  Reality can only be known, because there is no-one separate to understand it. It’s only the mind that obfuscates this feeling of Love and connection that we already exists in.  And anything I can imagine to do to come to this realisation, can also only be part of my denial of this feeling of Love that is constantly trying to seep into our conscious awareness.  As Thomas Aquinas one said:

Love takes up where knowledge leaves off.”

Awakening was life’s role not mine.  I had forgotten that our part is only to allow it to happen.
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Wising up
So little by little I’ve come to accept there is nothing I can do to awaken because life itself is the process of awakening.  It’s a process of accepting what already is and that requires no doing and no effort, just a surrender to what is already here in this moment.  Life delights to set us free, to make us happy.. and everything we need to fulfill that purpose comes to us, perfectly.  When we really accept that we don’t know how to wake up then a miracle happens.  Instead of not-knowing being the problem, not-knowing becomes the answer – our whole way, because ‘not-knowing’ is the clean and empty slate on which Love will write a different story through our lives.  It is in the invitation and the opening to grace.

I suppose we could paraphrase the whole process of life down to this one thing:  A process of letting go of our resistance (in a multitude of ways) to the Love that Is.  This is all that is really going on here.  And so we come home to Truth, to the knowing of our true Self, simply by allowing it to happen – by allowing ourselves to become non-resistant to everything.

At the end of the day the choice is this:- we can either be true to Truth of our own experience or true to the latest idea of what is still needed.  This is seen so clearly in the way the great religions keep us in chains by lowering expectations and by promising freedom some time in the ‘future’.  And so we end up settling for being Christians instead of Christs and Buddhists instead of Buddhas.  Didn’t Jesus once say, “Greater things than these things shall ye do”.  Adyanshanti says it well in this essay entitled  ‘You are the Buddha’.

This is what the Buddha did.  He didn’t say, “I’ll try.”  He didn’t say, “I hope I’ll find the Truth.”  He didn’t say, “I’ll do my best.”  He didn’t say, “If not in this lifetime, then maybe next lifetime.”  He came to the point where he didn’t look for anyone else to tell him the Truth or show him the Truth.  He came to the point where he took it all on himself.  He sat alone under the Bodhi Tree and vowed never to give up until the Truth be realized.

The power of this very simple, yet unshakable intention and absolute stand to be liberated in this lifetime propelled him to awaken to the simple fact that he and all beings are liberated—that all beings are freedom itself.  Pure awakeness.

The Buddha was no different from you.  No different. …..

Adyanshanti also says “What we serve we cannot lose”.  True enough, but even this idea of ‘serving Truth’, at least for a  bear-of-little-brain like me, is too much.  I have seen that we already do this and I have seen that in spite of appearances, everything we have ever done has served Truth.  We were just mistaken, and thought there was something else going on here.  And so when I attempt to serve Truth there is this very human tendency that arises in me to judge how I am doing, and then I lose my way again – lose sight of the fact that we already do this perfectly – that we are already awake and perfectly creative, and just don’t see it yet.
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Homeward bound

So for me at least, I need to finally let go of trying to live it, of trying to serve it, and simply  allow It to live and serve through me – become nonresistant (‘surrender’ if you like) to this Love that we call life that already flows through us.

There’s a huge freedom in this tiny change of intent because now there is no cause for stress or concern.  When we replaces all the reasons ‘why’ we do things (especially all those spiritual or do-goody reasons) for this single ‘why’ of allowing Truth/Love/Life/Joy/*your own term here* to express itself through me, then there are no worries any more.  Life makes no mistakes….. ‘mistakes’, ‘problems’ – that’s all mind stuff.  Success in this is always certain, but now we come to  know it is so.

So perhaps I finally am ‘getting it’:  Just surrender to life…..let life flow through me un-resisted…. and see what happens.  ‘Listen and allow’…. as my friend  Jodee Bock tells me to do.

What a release not to have to do or understand anything anymore …. just enjoy the ride.  No worries, no cares, it’s not up to me now… not my problem.  And what problems could there be once their cause, my resistance, has gone.  Trusting instead, that when we are just being who we Are, in harmony with Universe, everything just works out fine.

Love Is…. what more could we do than simply let it be?

To let go and let Love……Why did no-one tell me it’s this simple?

Or perhaps they did and I just wasn’t ready to hear. 😉
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Life as celebration
So what to do, now that I know that anything I try to do to bring about enlightenment blinds me to the recognition that it’s already here?

How about just doing whatever it that makes us happy and trust life to take care of all the rest?  Hard as it is to shatter the egos belief in unworthiness and sacrifice and struggle, it’s only in the path of our happiness that we find what we have come here to learn.  Life has only one agenda: –  that we be happy, now.

And what better way to strengthen this realisation than to see it everywhere, take joy in everything that comes our way and share it freely?  It’s this what we came for.

So to me, our greatest role models and teachers are not the obvious ones.  Not the ones that lecture or hold retreats, but those who know how to squeeze the juice out of life and then invite you to dine with them.

Evelyn at  Crossroad Dispatches and Tittin at  Backtracking Slowly Forward spring immediately to mind.  Click over there and you’ll find a pot-pourri of art, raw life and insight……. and you’ll perhaps also discover what  George Bernard Shaw meant when he said,  “The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and all time.” (we can forgive him the gender bias of those times).  But like any good feast, the best times to go there are when you are little hungry and when you have a little more time than you need… so you can savour and enjoy all the different flavours.

– To the original post on Life 2.0

Personal – 10 Feb 2010

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

– For those of you following my personal life, you should probably just tune back to Oprah for another few weeks.   This post isn’t that kind of post.  Things are still churning but nothing’s been decided and until it all is, I’m going to be quiet about it. My wife told me once that she really hates to get up in the morning and have to read my Blog to find out what’s happening between us.

– Point well taken.

– This post is for the purpose of putting up some digital photos I want to share with various folks here and there.   A few weeks ago, I went up to Golden Bay to visit with my friends, Robert and Cynthia and their two beautiful little girls.   Here’s are a few photos from my time with them:

Bob, Cynthia and the girls

Cruise Ship at Pohara

Sampsons at Pohara

Bob and I at Pohara

When I was with Robert and Cynthia, we attended the fair being held in Takaka and at the fair, there was a great collection of old time cars that folks had restored.   Some of my Starbucks buddies in Monroe Washington are into things like this so I thought I’d put these photos up here for them to see: